I think this is one of the best mental images in the history of ever: "OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it's some gross subway platform!"

Either that or: "To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable."

I'm not sure I ever had a hymen. Some girls don't, you know. If I did, I have no clue when it went away.