vulgarweed | I love this meme.

Started by

sazzlette:

1. Take your OTP
2. List your personal canon for those characters. So the stuff that has nothing whatsoever to do with the books, but in your head is irrefutably what would have happened xD

hee. The more I write any particular pairing, the more personal fanon builds up. So here's the one I've written most!

(Some of these points are more irrefutable than others, mind.)

1. Aziraphale feels secretly superior to a number of his colleagues for not getting caught up in that tawdry Nephilim incident. But the reason he didn’t had nothing to do with superior morality and everything to do with (a) not being a particularly sexual being at the time, and (b) being actually gayer than a tree full of monkeys, etc.

2. Crowley, on the other hand, has fathered children, way back in Eden. Those “make trouble” orders were awfully nonspecific. Nobody really noticed, though, because snakes don’t give a damn who their father is (or their mother, for that matter).

3. Both of them are really big ol’ bottoms at heart. This gives their sexual power struggles a bit of a passive-aggressive twist. (But Aziraphale is easier to seduce into topping, being more of a control freak.) Crowley is especially violently allergic to the notion of getting locked into a role, because of millennia worth of furious rants about the idiocy of placing great importance on the “who’s on top” question from his fag-hag pal Lilith, who will never Get Over It.

4. God finds them hilarious and endearing and is really very protective of both of them. But the game would be no fun if they knew this.

5. Aziraphale is indirectly responsible for a lot of the past 400 years of human Western innovations in occultism, because he really did let his friendship/book-geek-rivalry with Dr. John Dee get way out of hand. He worries about this a lot. It’s like the flaming sword giveaway all over again. Crowley found this hilarious—up until the early 20th century, when he met the other infamous A. Crowley, and the two did not get along.

6. Aziraphale has a distaste for the French (except for their wine, cheese, and possibly some sexual practices) that goes back to 1066, when the Arrangement got its first solid, grueling test. He once had a remarkable conversation about this in Old English with that nice Professor Tolkien at Oxford, the only man he met in the 20th century whose pronunciations weren’t appalling.

7. Both of them are confused and vaguely uncomfortable in the presence of Buddhism or Hinduism. It reminds them of how little they really understand. They’re both insanely curious, though. They do the supernatural equivalent of ordering materials that come in plain brown envelopes.

8. Aziraphale is secretly grateful for Crowley’s sluttiness. If he were the only acceptable outlet for Crowley’s libido, he wouldn’t have nearly enough time to read.

9. Crowley, on the other hand, has a jealous streak, but he rather wishes Aziraphale would shag someone else just so the other shoe will drop and he can stop worrying about it. (Besides, he wants to watch.)

10. They both know that wings are erogenous zones, but this ought to be used sparingly.

11. While it is true that Crowley would rather take holy-water enemas than openly acknowledge that Aziraphale is more generously endowed than himself, deep in his heart of hearts he finds this fact hilarious. Besides, he really is way more flexible.

12. Crowley suspects, in the furthest deep dark never-accessed reaches of his mind, that redemption might be possible if he wanted it badly enough. The only way he would ever, ever seriously consider trying is if it were somehow necessary to save Aziraphale.

For a certain value of "irrefutable" of course. I've written things that contradict some of 'em, and very well might again...negative capability, y'know. Important for fandom.