vulgarweed: (OK by london_fan)
Fandoms: Sherlock (TV) / The Silmarillion and Other Histories of Middle-earth, J.R.R. Tolkien - works
Rating: Explicit
Pairing Type: Het
Word count: 6,757
Pairing: Sherlock/Ungoliant
Other Characters appearing: Yavanna, Manwë, Tulkas, Thorondor
Challenge/Collection: Category 5 Sex Hurricane Fest
Tags: Casefic, Murder Mystery, Interrogation, Bestiality, BDSM, Interspecies, Crossover, Giant Spider Sex, Yes I Went There, Bondage, Whipping, Xenosex, Shapeshifting, Top Sherlock, Sex Between Semi-Consenting Spiders, Oral Sex, You'd Call it Vaginal Sex If She Had a Vagina Which Technically She Doesn't, Spot the Pratchett Quote, Dub-con By Deception, Did I Mention Bestiality, Also Toplock If I Didn’t Mention That, Dom Sherlock, You Can’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

For the Category 5 Sex Hurricane Fest


Summary: Of all the residents of Valinor, the eccentric and disreputable Maia called Sérelókë would be the last person you’d expect a Valië to call upon in time of need. But Sérelókë is known for his observation and insights, and Yavanna Kementári will stop at nothing to learn the truth of who killed her beloved Trees, and why. Once set upon the trail, Sérelókë will also stop at nothing.

Really. I mean nothing.

And while I can’t take credit or blame for the original idea . . . oh wait, yes I can. I claimed my own prompt.

Notes:This story is not meant to reflect or imply any endorsement by the author of any acts depicted herein. Everything Sérelókë does is dirty, bad, wrong, and dangerous, and I just want to make sure you know I know that. If you, the reader, happen to be struggling with an issue related to the presence of a baleful evil from the Void in the form of a monstrous spider that devours light and vomits darkness, do not attempt to sexually dominate it.

I tried to find some survivors’ resources to link to, but I couldn’t. This might be because there aren’t any survivors.

  ***

This story was gang-beta’d and loved every second of it. Huge thanks to Marta, BlushingNewb, Winter_of_our_Discontent and Jinglebell for the careful and discerning eyes (eight eyes!) that helped this terrible fic become the best terrible it can be. Since I am an actual arachnophobe in real life, Winter found spider sex articles and vetted them for me to make sure the pictures weren’t too gross, and Jinglebell, who it turns out used to breed spiders, blessed me with a much better vocabulary for the Explicit parts - and inspired me to make it even dirtier.

With Both Hands Thou Shalt Give It, at AO3

spoilery end notes )

My earlier posts about my, ahem, creative process are all now unfriendslocked. this one sheds some light on my motive.
vulgarweed: (tree_by_aurora_starwing)
For the [livejournal.com profile] comment_fic community.

Prompt was Any TV show, any/any. "With this ring -"


It's Sherlock and it's also a fusion with another fandom, let's see who can spot it. (It's not very challenging.)

Rule, Find, Bring, Bind (715 words) )

Not bad for 15 minutes stolen at work, anyway.
vulgarweed: (the game by isaac_of_nine)
My collaboration with [livejournal.com profile] winter_hermit. Yes, it took two people to produce this!

Title: The Adventure of the Cluck and Balls
Fandom: Mostly Sherlock, plus the kitchen-sink
Authors: [livejournal.com profile] vulgarweed and [livejournal.com profile] winter_hermit
Rating: T
Content/Warnings: Ball Pit, Dead Body in a Ball Pit, Cross-Dressing, Ball-Groping in a Ball Pit, Drug References, Bestiality References, Multi-Fandom Clusterfuck, Case Fic, Crack Fic

Summary: There’s a dead body in the ball pit. Luckily, Sherlock’s on the case (and John’s on Sherlock. Not like that. Okay, maybe a bit like that. But those balls are slippery!)

The Adventure of the Cluck and Balls

Author's Notes: See AO3 link for more.

Any apparent relationships between events in this story and recent fan convention shenanigans are entirely [REDACTED].
vulgarweed: (procrastinate)
Now that hopefully this "birther" nonsense has been laid to rest, I'd like to consider some of the aesthetic reasons that, IMO, it's a FAIL as historical legends go. It's batshit insane, of course, especially as one goes further and further down the rabbit hole trying to explain why there was already an international conspiracy surrounding the birth of some college kids' kid back in 1961. But it's not batshit insane enough--it's not just that it doesn't hold water, but it also doesn't have enough symbolically-resonant absurdity to make really good conspiracy fiction. Even Robert Anton Wilson couldn't have done much with it.

If you want an example of a whackjob theory that has literary legs, this one is just about my favorite:

Is George W. Bush Really a Grandson of Aleister Crowley?

Did you ever lose a night's sleep wondering that? Now you will. You're welcome.

Yes, this is a real thing, as things go: (warning: links lead to crazycakes)
http://truthalliance.net/Archive/News/tabid/67/ID/336/font-color0079D4Is-Aleister-Crowley-the-Father-of-Barbara-Bushfont.aspx
http://www.moneyteachers.org/Aleister+Crowley+Barbara+Bush.htm
http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?channelid=39&contentid=4506
http://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=30953


Behold the face of the New Aeon!



Spew What Thou Swilt Shall Be the Whole of the Law


(Now, in reference to this post, if I were writing historical fantasy fiction about the 20th/21st centuries two hundred years from now, this would totally be true in my fictional world.)
vulgarweed: (Default)
In which writers who cheerfully admit they CANNOT DRAW auction themselves off to be artistically commissioned to draw ridiculous porn.

It has all the appeal of bad-art sporking, porn-to-order, and a little bit of the humiliation factor of the dunking tank.
vulgarweed: (Default)
This whole post and its comment thread at Fandom_Wank has me shrieking with laughter harder than anything else in fandom has in MONTHS, and right now I desperately needed a good laugh like you would not believe.

AWESOME.


So I ask my f-list: if you were going to troll a fic-search community in any of your fandoms, what incredibly OTT crack-fic summary would YOU write? And would it be very possibly a real fic that really exists?

If you were going to request a fic of mine but didn't remember it very well, how cracktastic could you make the summary?

If there was a crackfic in your fandom that doesn't really exist yet (as far as you know) but you really wish it did, how would you phrase a fake search request for it?

O.o

Dec. 31st, 2008 06:37 pm
vulgarweed: (madimiface_by_scieppan)
Madimi is hiding under the futon after I managed to get 2 of her 10 claws trimmed. When she ran from me, though, it wasn't like a real "that hurt, I'm scared, I hate you" running-and-hiding. It was that chase-me-chase-me-chase-me game.

While I'm waiting for her to come out, have a random Yuletide rec: PARADISE LOST, being the story of one
BASEMENT CAT, in which, through many travails and desperations, he attains his TRUE DESIRE
. It's kinky LOLcat pr0nz. Fer srs. And kind of touching.
vulgarweed: (bebop_by_dwightsredshoes)
This is why I can't be trusted with social or family gatherings on holidays. Given any free time whatsoever, my brain tends to go places like this and stay there, and next thing you know I've lost the thread of every conversation and burned the pudding.

This is for [livejournal.com profile] altariel, because of her holiday banana icon and this thread. There is no God who can help me now.

Title: Waiting For My Manwë
Fandoms: Lord of the Rings/60s rock RPF
Rating: PG-13 for near-constant drug references

Electricity comes from other planets )

Happy Christmas Eve, Festivus, Sol Invictus, etcetera!

For reference.
vulgarweed: (bebop_by_dwightsredshoes)
This is why I can't be trusted with social or family gatherings on holidays. Given any free time whatsoever, my brain tends to go places like this and stay there, and next thing you know I've lost the thread of every conversation and burned the pudding.

This is for [livejournal.com profile] altariel, because of her holiday banana icon and this thread. There is no God who can help me now.

Title: Waiting For My Manwë
Fandoms: Lord of the Rings/60s rock RPF
Rating: PG-13 for near-constant drug references

Electricity comes from other planets )

Happy Christmas Eve, Festivus, Sol Invictus, etcetera!

For reference.
vulgarweed: (slytherin_tale_by_grrliz)
Those of you who've fandom-known me for a long time might know that [livejournal.com profile] mctabby was the one who badgered (and lioned and eagled and snaked) me to get an LJ in the first place, and that I've been an admirer of her Summary Executions for as long as she's been doing them, which is several years now.

So I was feeling a little MEAN GIRLZ this evening and went to see if Good Omens fandom could ever have such a wonderful thing.

WOE )

You like me better when I shut up and write porn, don't you?

ETA: [livejournal.com profile] isiscolo has a proposal worthy of the Tempter himself!
vulgarweed: (slytherin_tale_by_grrliz)
Those of you who've fandom-known me for a long time might know that [livejournal.com profile] mctabby was the one who badgered (and lioned and eagled and snaked) me to get an LJ in the first place, and that I've been an admirer of her Summary Executions for as long as she's been doing them, which is several years now.

So I was feeling a little MEAN GIRLZ this evening and went to see if Good Omens fandom could ever have such a wonderful thing.

WOE )

You like me better when I shut up and write porn, don't you?

ETA: [livejournal.com profile] isiscolo has a proposal worthy of the Tempter himself!

Fic meme!

Sep. 12th, 2007 08:44 pm
vulgarweed: (damned_by_cinnamonblood)
I suggested this meme to [livejournal.com profile] musegaarid a while back and am only now getting round to enacting it myself.

The Babel-Drabble!

Here's the deal. Take one of your posted fics and use Google's translator or Babelfish to translate it into the language of your choice and then back into English. Pick out the best line(s) of the new story and write a drabble. Post your drabble on your journal and tag five friends to do the same.

***

"THAT WHAT YOU MEANS YOU WERE WITH SALADIN!" Under Crowley, a peddler angry it has given of soccer to its ass.

"It wasn't with Saladin that I learned," Aziraphale said. Really, Crowley's devotion to donkey football was rather embarrassing.

"Hmph," said Crowley. "Those Arabs liked their horses way too much if you ask me."

"NOT WITH HE WITH HE! IT OBTAINS YOUR MIND FROM THE GRONDAIA, YOU PERVERTITO OF PERDITIOUS!" The given ass of soccer behind.

"Grondaia?" asked Crowley, puzzled.

"Well, heads wound up in gutters all the time when I played the real game. Honestly, I was rather good," Aziraphale said defensively, thinking fondly of the particularly brutal form of Afghani polo that involved sheep corpses when times were lean, although human heads rolled a lot better.

***

I tag [livejournal.com profile] dreya_uberwald, [livejournal.com profile] celandineb, [livejournal.com profile] bethbethbeth, [livejournal.com profile] argyleheir, and [livejournal.com profile] maggiehoneybite. But I'd love to see these from ANY AND ALL OF YOU.

Fic meme!

Sep. 12th, 2007 08:44 pm
vulgarweed: (damned_by_cinnamonblood)
I suggested this meme to [livejournal.com profile] musegaarid a while back and am only now getting round to enacting it myself.

The Babel-Drabble!

Here's the deal. Take one of your posted fics and use Google's translator or Babelfish to translate it into the language of your choice and then back into English. Pick out the best line(s) of the new story and write a drabble. Post your drabble on your journal and tag five friends to do the same.

***

"THAT WHAT YOU MEANS YOU WERE WITH SALADIN!" Under Crowley, a peddler angry it has given of soccer to its ass.

"It wasn't with Saladin that I learned," Aziraphale said. Really, Crowley's devotion to donkey football was rather embarrassing.

"Hmph," said Crowley. "Those Arabs liked their horses way too much if you ask me."

"NOT WITH HE WITH HE! IT OBTAINS YOUR MIND FROM THE GRONDAIA, YOU PERVERTITO OF PERDITIOUS!" The given ass of soccer behind.

"Grondaia?" asked Crowley, puzzled.

"Well, heads wound up in gutters all the time when I played the real game. Honestly, I was rather good," Aziraphale said defensively, thinking fondly of the particularly brutal form of Afghani polo that involved sheep corpses when times were lean, although human heads rolled a lot better.

***

I tag [livejournal.com profile] dreya_uberwald, [livejournal.com profile] celandineb, [livejournal.com profile] bethbethbeth, [livejournal.com profile] argyleheir, and [livejournal.com profile] maggiehoneybite. But I'd love to see these from ANY AND ALL OF YOU.
vulgarweed: (bunnyassault_by_semyaza)
...and I kinda feel it too, because that's how tired I am. I'm waayyy behind on the drabbling, but that's because of the last 48 hours, I've been at home and awake for about maybe 5 of them. Yes, my friends have been feasting and feting (and other f'things) me pretty splendidly, including an 8-hour marathon of a BBQ in a beautiful yard in Humboldt Park yesterday. I woke up at 2 PM today with a huge grin on my face, feeling loved.


And someone anonymously bought me two months of paid LJ time! *squee* Thank you thank you thank you!


So here's the first five b-day drabbles, anyway. I WILL do them all if it takes me to next b-day. (And I'm doing them in the order the ideas hit me, not the order received, sorry!)

For [livejournal.com profile] musesfool: GO - Something with the Them and a birthday party

For [livejournal.com profile] kkpixie: TDS - happy, fuzzy Stewart/Colbert

For [livejournal.com profile] celandineb: GO - Aziraphale/Crowley, bananas

For [livejournal.com profile] teh_jenna: HP/US Politics - something involving Snape and George Bush

For [livejournal.com profile] use_theforce_em: TDS/LOTR - members of the Fellowship on the Daily Show

OK, more to come in days to come - enjoy!
vulgarweed: (bunnyassault_by_semyaza)
...and I kinda feel it too, because that's how tired I am. I'm waayyy behind on the drabbling, but that's because of the last 48 hours, I've been at home and awake for about maybe 5 of them. Yes, my friends have been feasting and feting (and other f'things) me pretty splendidly, including an 8-hour marathon of a BBQ in a beautiful yard in Humboldt Park yesterday. I woke up at 2 PM today with a huge grin on my face, feeling loved.


And someone anonymously bought me two months of paid LJ time! *squee* Thank you thank you thank you!


So here's the first five b-day drabbles, anyway. I WILL do them all if it takes me to next b-day. (And I'm doing them in the order the ideas hit me, not the order received, sorry!)

For [livejournal.com profile] musesfool: GO - Something with the Them and a birthday party

For [livejournal.com profile] kkpixie: TDS - happy, fuzzy Stewart/Colbert

For [livejournal.com profile] celandineb: GO - Aziraphale/Crowley, bananas

For [livejournal.com profile] teh_jenna: HP/US Politics - something involving Snape and George Bush

For [livejournal.com profile] use_theforce_em: TDS/LOTR - members of the Fellowship on the Daily Show

OK, more to come in days to come - enjoy!
vulgarweed: (o r'lyeh (from ms_katonic))
I am NEVER going to work without checking the news again.

Maybe I'm NEVER going to work again.

Half of 'em weren't even there. And the job...well, usually classical music fans are an articulate bunch even when they're telling you to fuck off, but the groaning, oh god the groaning. and sometimes the breaking glass in the background...They would almost give but ate their credit cards instead and I heard this crazy noise where they were trying to get at me through the phone but zombies can't do that, they just ate the wires instead when their receptionists and housekeepers were already devoured.

I didn't notice anything unusual on the bus. (Then again, I wouldn't.) But they were everywhere at Whole Foods, a run on organic free-range BRAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNS at $12.99 a pound, but River the trainee's brains were free and all over the floor being drooled out, and some European lady in serious denial was snarking at me because she couldn't move her cart because of some kid she thought was my daughter, AS IF, until the sweet-little pig-tailed thing with one eyeball hanging out on a sinew bit huge chunks out of her leg, and I was like, fuck it, my bath salts can WAIT.

So here I am. Waiting. Screams. Smell of bloody meat and lighter fluid outside. Burning 'em doesn't work.
vulgarweed: (o r'lyeh (from ms_katonic))
I am NEVER going to work without checking the news again.

Maybe I'm NEVER going to work again.

Half of 'em weren't even there. And the job...well, usually classical music fans are an articulate bunch even when they're telling you to fuck off, but the groaning, oh god the groaning. and sometimes the breaking glass in the background...They would almost give but ate their credit cards instead and I heard this crazy noise where they were trying to get at me through the phone but zombies can't do that, they just ate the wires instead when their receptionists and housekeepers were already devoured.

I didn't notice anything unusual on the bus. (Then again, I wouldn't.) But they were everywhere at Whole Foods, a run on organic free-range BRAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNS at $12.99 a pound, but River the trainee's brains were free and all over the floor being drooled out, and some European lady in serious denial was snarking at me because she couldn't move her cart because of some kid she thought was my daughter, AS IF, until the sweet-little pig-tailed thing with one eyeball hanging out on a sinew bit huge chunks out of her leg, and I was like, fuck it, my bath salts can WAIT.

So here I am. Waiting. Screams. Smell of bloody meat and lighter fluid outside. Burning 'em doesn't work.
vulgarweed: (serpent_by_hjbender)
Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] blueeyedtigress and [livejournal.com profile] fyrdrakken for the linkies.

Video: Rabbit Chases Snake Up Tree. (Make sure to watch all the way to the end, after the sound stops)

In the News:

Malaysian python eats 11 guard dogs.


Israeli spa offers snake massage.


The management is not responsible for any crackfic which may result.

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