The Middle Distance

Keyes is a laughingstock in my state because a few years ago he called Hillary Clinton a carpetbagger motivated only by ambition when she ran for Senate from New York. In '04, after Republican stiff suit Jack Ryan had to drop out of the Senate race due to a scandal involving his ex-wife Jeri Ryan (yes, Seven of Nine - you can't make this shit up!) objecting to him pressuring her to give "public service" a whole new meaning in some sex clubs in New York and Paris way back when, the Republican Party for some reason got Alan Keyes, a former Reagan appointee to a bunch of stuff and now a right-wing talk show host in MARYLAND, to move to Illinois in AUGUST to run for the Senate seat. (Cue lots of snarky coverage of some campaign workers helping him move a mattress, a TV set, and not much else into some hastily-rented flat in Calumet City). So, after Barack Obama spanked him in a humiliating landslide to absolutely no one's surprise except maybe Keyes's, he sank to new depths of sportsmanship by refusing to congratulate his opponent, and then kicking his 19-year-old daughter Maya, who'd put college on hold to work for his campaign even though she disagrees with him on pretty much everything, out of the house because she's a lesbian.

Like I said, you can't make this shit up. And he's running for President again anyway, so why not?