vulgarweed: (handbyarwen_elvenfair)
Prey Tell

Fandom: The Hobbit
Pairing: Bilbo/Landroval
Rating: Explicit/NC-17
Summary: Book/movie verse mishmash. Out of the frying pan and into the fire: rescued from goblins and orcs and Wargs and flames, Thorin’s company now must cope with the hospitality of the Lord of the Eagles and his folk. Bilbo’s Tookish side is not only up to the challenge, but goes above and beyond.

Thank you Teasel/Lydiabennet so much for your generous donations to Natural Resources Defense Council and The Nature Conservancy

This is the first of Eyrie Tales, a collection of three stories centered on the Giant Eagles of Middle-earth.

All praise to my beta readers, Tyellas and Iwantthatcoat.

Written for [ profile] teasel in the Fandom Trumps Hate 2017 Charity Auction.
vulgarweed: (tale_grew_by_nerwende)
Fandom: The Hobbit
Rating: NC-17/E
Pairing/Characters: Bilbo/Thorin/Beorn
Word Count: 12,001
Tags: Threesome - M/M/M, Bear Kink, Size Kink, Size Difference, Body Worship, Body Hair, Shapeshifting, sharp teeth, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Rimming, Top Bilbo, Bottom Bilbo, Switchy Bilbo, Food Kink, Honey, Butter, Not Quite Over the Bestiality Line But Within Sight of It Because Shapeshifting, Did You Know Bears Have a Penis Bone?, Animal Play, Animal Transformation, Bearginshield, PWP

Summary: “There was a growling sound outside, and a noise as of some great animal scuffling at the door. Bilbo wondered what it was, and whether it could be Beorn in enchanted shape, and if he would come in as a bear and kill them. He dived under the blankets and hid his head, and fell asleep again at last in spite of his fears.” [The Hobbit, Chapter 7 "Queer Lodgings," J.R.R. Tolkien)

That wasn’t entirely fear Bilbo felt when he first saw Beorn change - seems our hobbit has a bear kink (figuratively and literally). Beorn and Thorin manage to co-operate long enough to indulge him.

Written for the “Animal Play” square in Seasons of Kink

Author's Note:
HUGE thanks to Winter_of_our_Discontent and Jinglebell for providing close-reading eyes and enthusiastic cheerleading, and to everyone at #antidiogenes.

Like most of my Hobbit and LOTR fic, this is a hopeless mishmash of book and movie ‘verse. I take elements I like from both and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I don’t think this quite merits a bestiality tag, because Beorn is almost always mostly in his humanlike form here. Mostly. Others may disagree. You might. You were warned.

For Mildredandbobbin - I know I hoped to have this done near our early July birthdays. Turns out it's belated even for the Baggins birthdays. (In my defense, I didn't know it was going to run to nearly 12k).

Honeypot at AO3

vulgarweed: (porn!)
I know hobbits traditionally give gifts on their birthdays, rather than receive them, but I thought it would be nice to get Bilbo spectacularly laid on his this time. (And besides, he both gives and receives in this fic!)

Have an excerpt from "Honeypot," the 12,000-word Bilbo/Thorin/Beorn PWP I hope to have finished and posted by the end of the week. Under a cut because it's long and it's filthy, and maybe someone out there isn't so into the size kink and the shapeshifting bear kink.

But if you are . . .

a bit of Honeypot )

Happy Birthday, Bagginses! (Sorry Frodo. No, he didn't tell you everything about his adventures. Don't look!)
vulgarweed: (handbyarwen_elvenfair)
It's official. That Bilbo/Thorin/Beorn thing I'm working on is now a 10,000-word PWP.

Your word for the day, should you choose to accept it, is baculum. (That word doesn't actually appear in the story. You can't just throw Latin around in Tolkien fic. The concept certainly does, er, come up.)

I have co-modded this beast for 11 years now! Tendy-one! Which is much to short a time to spend among such excellent and admirable fans. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

I can't isolate a good excerpt from "Honeypot," the Bilbo's Raging Bear Kink fic yet, since, like I said, 10k PWP.

So have an excerpt from "The Ginger Bush League," which is a Sherlock AU heist caper sex farce (with Sherlock/John as the brilliant detective and his bodyguard-cum-lover-cum-sidekick and Irene/Mary as the brilliant criminal and her own.)


“Wait a minute,” Mary said. She had thought the matter of Irene’s duplicity had already shown all its layers in this instance, and found herself exhausted, furious, and yet a little relieved at the revelation that there might be another revelation still. She rather peevishly found herself wishing that Irene might stop revealing things that didn’t involve taking off her clothes. It was getting on towards bedtime. “Our real object? Wasn’t that the--”

“Yes, and we’ve that well in hand, you can be sure. But I found that the hound on our trail was no ordinary mutt. You might have heard of that detective who’s gone all viral? A Mr. Sherlock Holmes?”

“The one with the hat?” Mary said dubiously.

“Rather more than meets the eye. Not that what meets the eye is objectionable,” Irene said, arching an eyebrow.

Well, Irene had never claimed to be a gold star lesbian. Tin star, perhaps. Possibly zinc, or a nickel-plate alloy.

“You think he was getting close?” Mary asked incredulously.

“Oh, I know for sure he was,” Irene said. “He got quite a bit too close. And he’s very close even now.” Irene took Mary’s arm, and led her down the hallway to her windowed playroom, and pointed through the glass. Mary gasped - there was a man in there, bound quite thoroughly to one of Irene’s deluxe leather chairs (for their was no reason for her very well-paying victims to ever be uncomfortable in ways they didn’t wish to be, not when Irene’s art depended so much on very specific discomforts). But this one? A client, or a prisoner? He was a thin but well-built man wearing nothing but pricey black pants, artfully - and effectively bound - black ropes, and a black hood over his head. He had pale skin and long limbs, and absolutely none of the tell-tale signs of the terrified.

“How much does he know?” Mary asked.

“Oh, I would imagine nearly everything at this point,” Irene said.

“So . . . then, shall I?” Mary asked with a little sigh as her muscle memory started to shape the gun that was not in her hand.

Irene huffed and rolled her eyes. “Oh heavens, Mary, sometimes it’s so tedious that you’re a former assassin. You keep turning into that hammer that thinks every problem it sees is a nail.”
vulgarweed: (handbyarwen_elvenfair)
Title: Thunder On the Mountain
Fandoms: The Hobbit/Temeraire series
Pairing: Smaug/Temeraire
Also appearing (but not in the sex part): William Laurence
Rating: NC-17/E
Word Count: 7243
Warnings/content: Explicit dragon sex. Fighting as foreplay. Bargaining (maybe very mild dub-con? The characters don't think so.) Temeraire has a thing for fire-breathers. Smaug is just in it to win.

Summary: Temeraire has searched long and hard for his lost captain, in a strange and distant land. One very large obstacle presents itself and demands his attention. And other things.

Fulfillment of his quest comes with a price, and Middle-earth's future is subtly altered.

Thunder On the Mountain at AO3

HUGE thanks to [ profile] isiscolo, [ profile] tehta, and [ profile] winter_hermit, for beta work above and beyond!
vulgarweed: (tree_by_aurora_starwing)
First few hundred words of current WIP:

hey i heard you like dragons so i wrote you some dragon-on-dragon so you can dragon while you dragon )

Yeah, this is totally going where you think it's probably going. Tonight, 3,000 words in, I finally got the breakthrough on how that happens!
vulgarweed: (handbyarwen_elvenfair)
Goldengrove Unleaving

Fandom: The Hobbit (also the Silmarillion and LOTR just by extension)
Pairing: Galadriel/Gandalf
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: none
Prompts: golden, morning, understanding, sunlight, flaws

Title comes from this poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins
vulgarweed: (quote_by_nerwende)
Non-spoilery bits (the boring parts):

I absolutely loved the visual designs of Thranduil's realm (reminiscent in some ways of Lothlorien, but closed off, different lighting tones, browns and golds of autumn and a distinct lack of nocturnal/lunar blues) and of Laketown. Laketown. Wow. Beautiful. Bizarre mishmash of bayou stilthouses, Dickensian slums, Norwegian stavekirks, etc.

Delve too deep, and there are spoilers )
vulgarweed: (ringbybleu-unicorn)
Saw the midnight show last night, and I'm still pretty happy. My approach to these movies has become this: I imagine Peter Jackson as, not a powerful director, but a fellow fan (In reality, he's both). He has a huge budget and a global audience for his crackfic. I have to ask myself: do I enjoy the sensibility of his crackfic? Would I read it if it was free on AO3? The answer is yes. I would like to hang out with him all night at Denny's laughing about crackpot fan theories. I would like to game with him - I bet he's an awesome DM. Once I accept the films on that level, I'm happy as a pig in shit, so that's the perception option I choose.

Spoilers go here )

More coming soon, this is only about a third of the movie covered here.
vulgarweed: (ringbybleu-unicorn)
He That Rides Unseen
By: Vulgarweed
Fandom: The Hobbit
Rating: NC-17/Explicit
Word count: ~6300
Pairing: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield

Summary: There is much more to Bilbo than meets the eye – especially on those occasions when none of him does. Thorin has faced down his fears on so many truly dangerous occasions, he will not shrink from the mere uncanniness of being seduced by someone he can't see. A fandom-specific kink: sex with the Ring on.

Author's notes: This is a much-expanded, much-improved revamp of a short comment fic written for Porn Battle back in January (prompt: “jewel”) It's a complete mishmash of book/movie 'verse, but there are no real book spoilers past Beorn's house, except that talking ravens exist. Also, the ring insisted on acting like The Ring, so partway through, the title took on a double meaning. Thanks to htebazytook for the beta!

A very wicked possibility indeed )


AO3 version if you prefer to read it there.
vulgarweed: (handbyarwen_elvenfair)
Okay, I'm back from Mysticon and back from a little drowning in make-up work when I got back, so here's something I've been working on for a little while: some Hobbit recs!

All of these are adult-rated and explicit, mostly Bilbo/Thorin. Some have a side of Kili/Fili, and one is Bilbo/Almost Everybody. One day soon I will rec some fics I like that aren't smutty at all. Today is not that day.

Every Good Dwarf Does Fine by [ profile] htebazytook
Bilbo/Thorin, NC-17
6,289 words

I'm not even going to pretend to be objective about Bazy's fic, since she's my partner in crime on that whole Erotic Adventures of Hillbilly Sherlock Holmes business – but then, I wouldn't have wanted to write with her in the first place if I didn't already love her work to bits, so you can trust my judgment anyway. She uses music in fic like no one else, and this hilarious story has Thorin the awful lyricist being the brunt of jokes amid the endlessly musical Dwarves. So leave it to Bilbo, the rather talented wordsmith, to be his, er, beta-listener. Which eventually leads to making beautiful music together if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The story takes its own sweet time getting there, though, and there's a lot of delicious wordplay and mutual love of language and legend. Bonus points for a rare appearance of top!Bilbo.

In the Halls of the Elven King by [ profile] htebazytook
word count: 4236

This one is set in Thranduil's hall, during the time of the captivity of the Dwarves and Bilbo's invisible thieving; it's also a movieverse/book canon hybrid, and features further hilarious and very Tolkienesque use of poetry and song, and a ridiculously hot through-the-prison-bars sex scene. Especially wonderful is the characterization of Tauriel, about whom we know virtually nothing. If PJ & crew write their own OC half as well as Bazy did, I won't resent her insertion into the story one little bit. (Especially if her relationship with callow prince Legolas is exactly like this.)

Nightmares by Avelera
Bilbo/Thorin, R
WIP. Word count so far: 25,776
Warning: Dark

I'm not impartial on this either – I did some brainstorming with her on Tumblr at the very beginning of her idea, and I'm credited as beta, although I'm doing that after the fact and am woefully behind. It's a horror story at heart, and it's a “fix-it” AU that's going to be darker and sadder than the original. (I know where it's going and it might make you wrap up your whole jewelry box in lead chains and throw it into the sea.) Which makes the first few chapters, with its comedy of manners and sweet eroticism and fairly lighthearted sense of longing, all the more wrenching. See if you don't get hooked in right away with her awesome characterization of Smaug in the prologue – I dare you.

A Substitute for Pudding by airandangels
Bilbo/Half of the Dwarves, in Various Combinations, with special emphasis on Bilbo/Thorin and Bilbo/Bofur
WIP. Word count so far: 55,169

This is the filthiest Hobbit story I've come across yet, no fucking contest. (Partly because there is a fucking contest.) Hobbits are known for their prodigious appetites—oh, my sweet summer child, did you think that only referred to food? Once this becomes known to the company, certain members (heh!) are desperate to make sure they get their fair share with their relentlessly horny little burglar. No slut-shaming here: Bilbo quickly becomes their greatest treasure – and he seems a bit boggled that his insatiable hunger for cock seems to be considered so unusual, and would everyone stop being so damn careful with him? For all that it's a shameless smutfest, the characterizations, the sweet moments and the bittersweet ones, the comedy of manners aspects and the stern weirdness of Dwarven politics, are so very well developed. And, dear to my heart, it's set within a very Tolkienesque frame of far-future historians and literary scholars trying to determine just how much of this salacious tale was written by Baggins himself, was it all a forgery, and even if authentic, how much of it can possibly be believed...? (Warning: you'll never be able to hear the "Blunt the Knives" song innocently again)


More to come, these are just a few I thought especially noteworthy. Recs of your own very welcome - and where do you go to find good icons these days? I could use a few.
vulgarweed: (handbyarwen_elvenfair)
So obviously Peter Jackson and WETA and the whole crew are spending massive energy and brainpower and money and creativity to work out just how to do the bestest, hugest, most imposing, most convincing dragon character of all time. I bet they'll succeed at that, too.

Might they be doing it with an eye to using this knowledge even more in the future? PJ did buy the rights to the Temeraire series a few years ago...

September 2017

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