The Middle Distance

OK so, everybody reading this knows my RL has been full of upheaval this past year and I am frankly sick of talking about it for the moment.

Fandom is my happy place and a huge source of restoration and rejuvenation for me. I'd be much less capable of weathering storms without it.

This year, I went to 221B Con for the first time - yeah, yeah, late to the party but believe me, there were reasons. Some had to do with terrible things that happened to friends of mine there, some had to do with conflicting work schedule (which isn't an issue when the Con happens the first weekend of April. If it's the second, no can do. Thankfully, it's the first weekend next year too, so Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I'll do it again.)

I had a wonderful time - got to spend time with friends I only ever see at con, got to put some beautiful faces to some beloved internet names, felt wholly welcomed and like I was among my people. I was on four panels - AUs, Occult Detectives, Polyshipping, and the late-night fanfiction panel.

I will say that I am grateful to Sherlock S4 for this: It seems like most of the most toxic elements in the fandom flounced the fuck out, leaving what remains a much friendlier and happier place.

The toxicity at this con largely came from a different source: good old-fashioned homophobia, sexual harassment, and male entitlement. A traditional old-school cishet male Sherlockian took advantage of the desire of queer/feminist new-school Sherlockians to connect and be heard and understood, to be an absolute gross creeper. He claimed to want to understand what we do and we why do it, and he lied about truly wanting to learn. He smiled in the face of queer fans while writing vile homophobic and insulting things on Twitter (like he thought people wouldn't see it? what?)n He only wanted a voyeuristic window into our sexual inner lives, and to receive attention and emotional labor while violating boundaries left and right.

(I shouldn't even have to say #NotAllOldMaleSherlockians, but just in case, here's a masterpiece of shade by Brad of Sherlock Peoria: https://sherlockpeoria.blogspot.com/2019/04/baron-gruner-and-his-lust-diary.html)

This has got me thinking a lot about who we share our erotic imaginations with, and how, and what the boundaries and rules of that sharing are, and how harmful it is when those subcultural mores are violated.

A victim-blamer would look at this situation and say, "Well what did you expect, with your x-rated fanfiction and fanart and your sexy cosplays and your flirtations with each other?" A non-victim-blamer would say, we get to decide who this is FOR. We get to share our imaginations without lust being projected onto the creator of the works. (For me, the idea of reading an erotic story and feeling like I have any sexual entitlement/connection to the writer because of that makes about as much sense as thinking watching porn means I'm gonna want to fuck the cameraman.) And we flirt and hook up with each other, when that happens, in a sense of equality and common cause.

A sense of being desired in a way I did not wish to be, I won't lie, has been a contributing factor (though not the only one) in a block I'm struggling with. And the block has gone on so long I've started to doubt my worth to my fandom community. What good is a fic writer who isn't writing? At 221B Con, I got a lot of reassurance on that. There was a LOT of appreciation for the contributions I've already made, and a lot of kindness about the nature of the struggle. For that, I can't even express my gratitude.

I do so SO wish I could go to 221B Con. I wish it so, so badly. After the SHIT that went down in 2015 where so many friends of mine were attacked and abused, I swore I'd never go, because the con-comm really did not address everyone's anger and concerns fairly...but it does seem to be a much kinder place now? I really do just want to be able to hang out with as many friends as possible from Sherlock fandom. 221B-Con is still the best place to do this -- and now, it appears, the ONLY place to do this.

I got an AMAZING taste of writing-workshopping and panelling at Sherlock Seattle in 2016, but that is no longer running. 221B Con seems to be the only game in town now. Unfortunately, because of the seasonal nature of my job (managing a subscription sales campaign for an arts company that runs from April to November), the first three weeks of April are pretty much the ONLY time out of my whole year that I literally cannot take a weekend off. That's when I'm re-setting up, interviewing and hiring and training, in meetings all the time. A con in March? I could go. A con in May? I could go. A con in any other month besides April? I could go. April? no go.

BUT!!! I cry, I whine online, and then I try to rally other fans in the same state as me. I set up 221b Consolation on Tumblr. A prompt fest for people who can't go to the con, to offer up works and take prompts. There's a matching collection on AO3.

SO MANY GREAT WORKS IN SO LITTLE TIME.

And I wrote 7 221B drabbles (221 words each, last word begins with B), and here they all are together:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14568018/chapters/33662655

It's been one year since I last smoked a cigarette. I can actually call myself an ex-smoker now.

Yes, I still vape, that's how I did it. Over the past year I've come down from 18 mg/ml nicotine juice down to 3, and some of the flavors I'm currently using have none at all. This stuff saves lives, FOR REAL.

It's amazing, the changes in attitudes that I've seen. I started smoking in my mid-teens, in the mid-80s, in very tobacco-friendly rural Virginia. You could smoke in the grocery store! I remember smoking sections in restaurants, on buses and airplanes, etc. Most of my friends circles in my late teens, 20s, and 30s were composed of smokers. I'd say nearly half of my older RL friends still are, in the same boat as me, trying to quit as middle age comes on and we finally start to feel the effects.

My parents always wanted me to quit, and my mom in particular got so up in my face about it that it made me double down and become less likely to quit for a while, I think. I actually told her once that I would smoke an extra cigarette for every time she brought it up!

Nagging doesn't help. Shaming doesn't help. What eventually motivated me to quit was, frankly, money. Cigarettes are so expensive in Chicago I just started hating myself for all the money I was wasting. Vape shops were everywhere, so I just looked at my last pack of cigs from the 2 cartons I'd bought in NC where they're half the price, swore I'd never pay Chicago prices again, spent two packs' worth at the local vape shop (an indie business with juice made in-house), and I never did buy cigarettes in Chicago again. My last one, on August 24, 2015, was bummed from a co-worker. Menthol. Blech.

Cigarette smoke still smells good to me, but the desire to do it myself is all but gone. I still have sensually vivid dreams about it though, and I'm told that might never stop entirely. It's OK. It can stay in my dreams.

I just wanted to share this with the people who follow me here.

My last cigarette was on August 24th.

Because I've switched to vaping, and have a local shop that's very helpful and has a vast array of flavors to choose from, I'm not even feeling cravings. I'm still a nicotine addict, but I'm scaling down gradually - the first few bottles of juice I bought had a concentration of 18mg/ml nicotine. (This is at the high end of the middle range commonly sold). That was good for a while but actually too strong. The next batch I bought was 12 mg/ml. Currently I'm mixing it up with some that are 6 mg/ml.

I think the reason this is working for me and nothing else has is that it's a truly effective substitution. It's a pleasant experience that I can control (unlike gum or patches), it has no immediately unpleasant or dangerous side effects (unlike drugs like Chantix, which list "suicidal thoughts" as a very common known risk. Yeah no, I won't be taking that), and it reproduces and respects a lot of the ritualistic aspects of smoking - the flavor, the hand-to-mouth motion, even the 5-minutes-of-peace-and-quiet aspect when I step outside to do it at work. (I don't have to at home; my roommates don't mind it, nor do they even notice).

Basically, it's just like smoking without the tar, the smoke, the carcinogens, and the 4,000+ toxic chemicals that commercial cigarette manufacturers add. It's propylene glycol (commonly found in asthma inhalers)/vegetable glycol, plus nicotine, plus flavors. That's it. I'm partial to coffee/tobacco/vanilla flavors, plus I have some nice ginger peach, chai tea, and dragonfruit ones that pair really well with the others. There's a whole artisanal/gourmet aspect to flavor mixing in the industry - the shop I go to blends their own flavors for national wholesale and internet sales, and they're very proud of their 100+ different creations.

A little over two months in, I've noticed definite improvements in lung function. That weight on my chest in the mornings is gone. My brain feels sharper, probably because of improved oxygen flow. Someone told me at work today my skin looks healthier.

I have not noticed any downsides yet except a tendency to dry mouth. (which smoking can also cause). Drink more water, there, it's fixed.

Also, though buying the equipment is a bit of an investment at first, it pays for itself quickly especially if you live in a place with high cigarette prices/taxes like I do.

Blessed Beltane to all of you.

This Beltane is very special to me:

On Beltane Eve 1990, 25 years ago tonight, I was initiated as a Pagan and Witch into White Horse Coven of Yellow Springs, Ohio. I was 20 years old at the time.

I want to take this opportunity to say that I still believe that I chose the right religious path for me, way back then. I still identify as Wiccan/Pagan. I am still sure in my heart that I’m exactly where I belong.

I am so grateful for everyone I worked with then (some of whom are Livejournal friends right here now. :D) I am grateful for every opportunity I had to learn, and for all opportunities to learn, wherever they happen.

This is my statement tonight:

I reaffirm the same vows I made that night in front of my dearest friends, in front of my coven, in front of my ancestors, and in front of the Gods. For all the rest of my life, I desire most of all to be the best Pagan and Witch that I can be. I wish to continue learning just how deep "'an you harm none" goes (very deep indeed. It's a constant challenge to keep learning how to identify harmful behaviors and stop them, and stand up to harm when I see it, and for every action I take or decide not to take, consider how my action or inaction might harm others). I wish to continue learning how to attune with the land, and to speak for the truly voiceless. I wish to continue maneuvering myself into a position where I have more power to help others who need help. I wish to become a stronger fighter, a clearer listener, a more disciplined wordsmith, a kinder helper, a more patient caretaker, a braver traveler. I desire these things in the service of the Lord and Lady, who are the beauty of the sky and the life-force of the land.

So mote it be.